Week 14 - Hope

My plan tonight is to write this, save it, then share it on January 31st.  That is when I will be 14 weeks pregnant.  That is when I'm hoping all our hopes for this baby will finally take root.

Waiting for hope is hard.  I know it is out there.  I know it will come.  The anticipation builds.  Now can we hope?

For those who know of our loss in September, you know how relieved we are to make it this far.  I thought in the past that I had had three or four early miscarriages.  Now that I've had two, well, I've had two, and my heartfelt apologies to those who I told otherwise.  I thought I knew my body pretty well, but now I know more than I ever really cared to.  Our first loss was when I was exactly 8 weeks pregnant.  (I do want to write about this, but not now.)  After four full term pregnancies resulting in four amazing children, this was a shock.  A gut-wrenching, sobbing and swearing and screaming all at the same time shock.

We knew we wanted another baby.  We knew we wanted to try to have a baby in the summer, to help my emotional health afterwards.  There was only one month to make that work before we'd have to wait another year and try again.  We went to work and were successful, but then we weren't.

For those who know of our loss in November, you know how grateful and blessed we are to still be  pregnant.  Our second loss was similar to our first in how I felt and my body's process.  However, because it was so much earlier, the duration was short.  The heartache less.  The hope postponed, rather than crushed.

I accepted that, begrudgingly some days, but shifted my expectations all the same.  We tried.  It was probably too soon.  We started to make summer plans.

Three weeks later we learned that I was still pregnant.  We had conceived twins.  While I lost one, there was another still hanging on in there.  I saw its heart beating in December.  I heard that confirmation again today.  I was afraid to lie down on the table and listen.  I yearned for more concrete evidence.  But what if only the swishings of my organs came through the doppler?  I was prepared to be miserable.  I was prepared to be relieved.  Being prepared for both is exhausting.  I was ready to feel one way or the other.

When we first heard a faint heartbeat, I cried a little, and I laughed.  That made the baby move.  A twinge of fear came back.  Maybe that really wasn't what we had just heard.  Then our lovely midwife found the heartbeat again.  Strong.  I froze.  The apprentice counted.  There is definitely still a baby there, with a heartbeat, holding on.  Pushing away the fears.

Making room for a longed for hope.

Baby Names

Baby Sister arrived yesterday at 3:42pm!
She was born at home (planned) in a doorway (not planned.)
She weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz.
Leah says, "Now it's time to write her names! Her name is Cute Baby. Her middle name is Milk. Button is her nickname because she's as cute as a button."

Ah, Baby Sister does not have a name yet. Mommy has to work on that, along with sleeping and cuddling.

Baby Sister

Look who we cannot wait to meet!

We're 38 weeks today. That's the back of her hand up by her face. This was our reassurance ultrasound. Jesse is assured that we are indeed having a girl. I am assured that her placenta is high and all looks healthy.

In case you could not tell, she looks like this little one.

mermaid with rocks

So I'm sitting up, rocking, trying to decide what I'll teach on Tuesday. I get some mammals paired. I have a few ideas. Nothing is flowing. Then I think of an analogy.

My brain feels like it is bathed in hormones. Well, it is. I can see myself swimming about up there, a happy, calm mermaid. Then you ask me to have a logical thought, say - finish a sentence, make a simple decision, get my thoughts posted here, remember anything, plan a lesson - and it feels like my mermaid has rocks hanging from her tail. I struggle to the surface, trying to emerge from the hormones for a moment, but it ain't easy.

Thank you for bearing with me.

Friday's Favorite picture from the summer

David shot this one. Sarah is showing me a rope invention in the tree. Leah was on the other side of the yard inspecting the garden. I'm eight days pregnant.

Perhaps this is why I struggle to find a larger house. I fell in love with my clothes line this summer. It gets great sun, great breeze and when you go in the side door, the washer's right there. Larger houses usually have smaller yards. (You only see about 1/3 of ours here.) Silly, but I'd miss my rope and little wooden clips.

arugh! a month

So a whole month went by and I didn't post. I randomly realized today that I think it's been a year since I read a book. At this time in my life, my priorities for free time are sleeping, knitting, getting out and blogging. Reading will come back, later. You can now see how much sleeping, knitting, and getting out I've done these last few weeks. I'll be honest. I've mostly slept.

In the last month I:
finished our first energy challenge
lost all my responses to your great comments
finally left on vacation
had a weekend away with Jesse
had my van make "formula"
celebrated Chanukah
celebrated Christmas
had my entire family together (no small feat)
visited with my sister
finished Sister Scarf #7
started Sister Scarf #8, for the 29th time
visited with my Grandma
experienced winter
began nesting
felt quite isolated and lonely

If there is a link to follow in my list, there should be a back entry to go with it. That's the easiest way I could think of to get my thoughts out - baby steps.

Now I'm off to sleep - some more.

28

You know you are 28 weeks pregnant when:

You start to waddle.
You have to catch your breath at the top of a flight of stairs.
You are suddenly starving.
You eat all the time.
You gain 4 pounds in 9 days from eating all the time.
You have to wake up to roll over at night.
You struggle getting into and out of small cars.
You cry, at the slightest thing.
You are either delighted with your DH or furious with him.
You look like this:
Welcome to the beginning of the third trimester.

where is baby sister?

I got in the bath with Leah tonight. After my long day and yoga, I wanted a little soak. Plus, she was filthy. We usually only scrub children on Saturday night, but she could not wait that long. She agreed to the extra soaping when I said I'd get in too. Anyhow, here is what she had to say:

L: I think Baby Sister might be in your nipples.
me: What makes you think that?
L: Because they're so big!
me: Well that's so Baby Sister has a place to get food when she is born. Do you really know where Baby Sister is?
L: Yeah, (laughing) in your big tummy!

surprise!

So this is why no one wanted to car pool with me to our MNO. ;)
It was my first ever surprise party! A baby shower that was kept very well concealed. I was so clueless, the baby balloons attached to a bag by the wall did not give it away. I feel so blessed, so loved, so accepted. (thankful post coming soon)
Tonight, thank you and hugs and kisses to Shell, Kim, Shez, (no kissing ;) Ginny, Lydia, Melina and Tina. You all are the best!

Election Day

If you are married to a political scientist, you see them very little on election day. Especially if they've become a favorite with the local TV stations. Numerous interviews over the past few months has led up to today and a two hour blogging session. We decided it would be best for him to do this at the office. So back to work he went. I've got the kids watching a "bedtime movie", hope to get some blogging and cleaning done, and will follow the results on the radio and Jesse's blogging.

I voted at 2. Voting here is nothing like rural PA. First, there are computers. Second, there are lines. Third, there are no friendly volunteers to take your children to the next room to use a sample ballot to vote for George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. This was my second time using the computer voting machine. I'm still nervous my card will get "lost" somewhere or will not record my vote accurately. I did not have a line. It did take 20 minutes, but most of that was spent waiting for the two ladies to validate voters, trying to keep three children close, but not touching the screen and waiting for the little old lady to give my little people "I voted" stickers, since they were so "precious." I guess instead of punching chads, they get a sticker. =)

It just dawned on me that I wore red today. My poor, pregnant foggy brain didn't make the connection. I just wanted to wear something with an American Flag. I was given a cute maternity tee with one on it, and it's red. I also had my first hormonal breakdown this morning, due in part to what I could, or rather could not wear. My size is in the middle now. Maternity bottoms fall off. Everything with a closure is too small. Elastic is uncomfortable. *sigh* The other part was dh reading a story to our children this morning. Don't ask. It was 100% hormonal.

Debating my Indecisiveness at 20 wks

Now this finally was a debate. We did not watch. We listened, to the entire thing. (And yes, I did take a long hot shower in the middle. I had a tradition to uphold. ;) I loved it! But I'm still undecided. I've never considered myself undecided before. It's an odd feeling. I'm leaning, but haven't made a firm decision yet. I think the current state of affairs is so murky, I cannot make out a clear picture for the future, and which candidate is best suited for the position. I'm sure I'll see one soon. In the mean-time, Jess and I agree that Bob Schieffer was the best moderator and this debate gives us much to discuss.

Now for the 20 weeks.... drum roll please. I'm halfway folks! Unless she's moving around, which she does a lot, or I wake up with an aching lower back, or I crave the oddest things at the oddest hours, or I'm in the bathroom either frequently or for forever, or... Oh, never mind! I guess I do feel pregnant. =) It's just that the first half has flow by. It's hard to believe. If I remember correctly, the next 18-21 weeks will drag, especially the last four. I want to enjoy feeling good as long as I can.

Memo from Baby

Hello! If you see my mommy start grinning for no reason, you'll know that her secret wish came true, and I am a little GIRL!

My name will probably be Rebekah, Anna or Clara. My sister Leah thinks my name should be Lily, and that it is her privilege as my big sister to give me my name. Mommy and Daddy do not think so.

I stayed curled up for most of my picture session. But here is one time I moved my hands down from my face.

I look forward to meeting everyone in about 20 weeks!

randomness

No baby pictures yet. Check back on Sunday for those. =) I planned our ultrasound a bit early (19 wks, rather than 20) so I can share with my sister whether she will have another niece or nephew. She has a visiting weekend in two days. Living in a convent, communication is not always ideal, but she has the opportunity to call me on Saturday. I really want her to be the first to know, since everything else she hears is second-hand. randomness

My favorite parts were seeing a tiny, perfect face, little hand waving, long legs and having the head measure exactly 19wks 1 day, which is where we are today.

Other sights to share...

Rainbow blocks arrived last week! Can you tell? My favorite play moment so far was David swirling them on the floor. They were a tornado. As the storm lessened, they created a rainbow. He carried them over to their shelf when it was complete and said, "Hey, it's fun to play before picking up."

Water filter arrived too, but I will not bore you with views of a tall stainless steel canister. ;) I will say that it is sooo worth it, especially if you lived on a farm, got spoiled to the taste of spring water and after moving spent the next three years buying and drinking water out of plastic.

After Sarah read a sign for a pet store today, Leah asked, "Do you know where you can buy 100 cats?" "Where?" "The cat market!" Here's Leah from the summer with a beloved kitty.

Leah also informed me today, "Did you know that mommies' tummies are spheres?" Maybe she understood more about David's sphere and cube lesson than I thought...

I'm not sure why, but my thoughts keep turning to my grandfather lately. I have some flowers from his funeral on my front steps. They stay there all year, except when we go away in December. They've bloomed for the last 18 months. With Autumn, I added some wheat too. I love to see this as I enter our home.

Bucket of Beans

If anyone questions my poor dietary judgement when pregnant, here's proof: Today I finished the 5 lb. bucket of bean salad I bought on Saturday. And no, I did not gain 5 lbs. ;)

This was not any bean salad. This was the four bean salad with onions that I discovered last month on the salad bar at a Farm Fresh in Newport News. I searched for it here. I craved it at midnight. I passed by Trader Joe stuffed grape leaves, (another pregnancy favorite) knowing the bean salad was in the next shopping center. On Saturday, I found it at The Market! just 10 minutes away. We got some great coupons to shop there, ($20 off a $50 purchase) so I was looking to stock our pantry. Instead I got $20 worth of beans and $30 of bits I'd forgotten in the monthly shopping.

When I got home, I realized my bucket held another treasure, the list of ingredients! Now I can try to recreate this. I can also see that I crave sugar and vinegar. I have for the last four months - sweet baby gherkins, dills, embarrassing amounts of soy ice cream, cucumbers from our garden chilled in vinegar with a spoon of sugar mixed in. The list goes on. I'd like to figure out why this is, and hope The PH Miracle can help. Thought: Whoever has this book from the VB library - there is a pregnant woman who is eating a fortune worth of beans, would like to balance her diet in general and was asked to read this book for homework. Please return it as soon as possible. You cannot renew it. She already has a hold placed on it. Thank you kindly.

Random question: What do you crave when you are pregnant? (so I do not feel like a freak, eating so many beans)

communication

I'm hoping to keep this short. It's the end of a long day.
Today I drove to Richmond for LLL's CSEs. (La Leche League's Communication Skills Education) I gained so much from the two sessions I attended in Pittsburgh before we moved, and was very excited to refresh my listening and communication skills. In all, it was worth my time and trip, but did not deliver the "wow" I got three years ago. I saw where I've grown - and where I still need to work. (Keeping the spotlight off myself is still there, but getting easier.) A few details were new. Remembering the general concepts was reassuring.

We practiced all the different ways to respond to mothers. Again, I got a practice statement that hit too close to home, about a mother gossiping. This time it triggered another anxiety attack. How embarrassing! I wish I could get a little ticker tape warning, "In about 90 seconds you will start crying uncontrollably, your heart will race and you'll be short of breath. Get some water and fresh air now, be conscious of your breath and watch for triggers." Instead... well I guess it would not be called an anxiety attack if you knew it was coming. ;)

Claire was there! It was wonderful seeing her. She taught me a good lesson: always listen closely to my inner voice. I kept thinking I should invite her. I didn't because I thought I was too late, a day past the registration deadline. We SO could have carpooled! We hopefully will for the next one, come April. She also reminded me what a delightful, dedicated mother she is, and pretty cool friend.

Lastly, I felt baby move last night. I guess it was early this morning, 2:30. All that squirming actually woke me up. I thought maybe it was a dream, but on the way home I felt the distinct connection between baby and bladder. oh, the joys to come!

A Dancing Bean!

We have another dancer! Miss Leah's first class was today. She walked in smiling. She danced. She walked out smiling. No hesitation. No "mommy come with me." No "I don't like the teacher" or "the kids pushed me." Just a happy, happy dancer.

I realized later this was her first class, aside from homeschool enrichment. For 3 1/2 years she's gone from one of Sarah's events to another and tagged along as David began to try different outside activities, but never her own. She loves it! She's ready. She needs this. I'm so proud to watch her grow!

More Leah developments: sleeping in her own bed for about half the night, nursing every three days for about three seconds, starting a K math book, (I don't have much else to give her) reading three words, building a HUGE imaginary world around her imaginary friend Emily Elizabeth.

Here's proof of my development. ;)

Growth

Today I am 16 weeks pregnant. This is the same as the beginning of the second trimester and the fourth month. I feel like we've all met "milestones" around here.

dear baby,
You keep growing and growing! I get the babycenter weekly email for your sister Sarah's sake. She loves knowing all about you. This week you'll grow toenails. Your ears continue to develop. I should feel you move soon. You're 4 1/2 in. long from head to little behind. This is about the size of all your siblings' hands. Visualizing how big you are seems to make you a bit more "real" to them. Your brother finally admitted that you are here. His first reaction to you was, "Stop kidding with me! You're joking! Your tummy isn't big enough for a baby!" Last night he said, "Mom, the baby is growing. Your tummy is getting bigger." (Thanks, bud! ;)

dear bean,
Would you PLEASE stop growing? pretty please? Your toddlerhood is a distant memory. Now you are racing through the preschool years? You play and play and play some more, usually with a stuffed "lost" kitty or your siblings. You keep begging to do "school". We tried MBtP. You do option 1 for the activities, when there is an option 2 for David, and love it! Now you know the habitats of different animals, can identify natural and human resources and continue to point out the community workers you see as we walk and traverse town. You filled an alphabet practice book and yearn for more. You continue to amaze me with your adorable disposition! Although the adamant "no!"s of 4 have begun, your sweet "sure" still brings a smile. And where would I be without your random hugs and kisses? hugs and kisses to you my bean-babe!

dear buddy,
Wow man! You can multiply! You sure have a thing for numbers, and Miquon seems to be just the right fit. You can read! Just short, sort vowel books, but that is where most of us start. And what about your questions? The 5's Whys are in full swing! First: "What is this?" (I thought it might be an old piece of decaying dog poop you found on our walk, and asked you to put it down.) Followed by: "Why do flies lay their eggs on dog poop? Why do the baby flies grow there? Why do flies lay their eggs on people poop? Why do flies lay their eggs on all kinds of poop? Why if a fly is sitting near the toilet looking for poop will it get flushed down? Why is the push down thing (handle) on the toilet? Why does the water go out? Why do they recycle toilet water?" Later: "Why can the sun get covered up by clouds sometimes?" So you do wonder about topics other than flies, poop and toilets. ;) You have such an inquisitive mind! And imaginative too. What you create with Legos is so cool! (You cannot wait to get your Lego crane for Leah's birthday.) Your self-control and awareness is developing by leaps and bounds as you make and keep friends. Your kindness towards Leah is heartwarming, while your cooperative play with Sarah floors me. I love you bud boy!

dear begeara,
You sure shocked me this week! Double digit addition with carrying in your head? I didn't teach you that one! Now you're trying the same thing with subtraction? Slow down, girlfriend! I love watching you read. Today I almost stopped you. I thought you were in a bit over your head. But I bit my tongue. As you progressed through the first chapter, your sentences became smoother and you struggled with fewer words. You did it! Guess what? The back of the book says it is aimed at pre-teens and teens. I did a little grade level graph on it that I learned back in college. It's at 7th grade girl! And all your inventions? I think your chair/stool is waiting for further development, but now there is a skateboard in the front yard with bi-bamboo wings taped to it. =) Your art, especially that of religious subjects, is beautiful. You've begun to find creative ways to work with those younger than you. Your helpful spirit and empathy are shining through. You continue to run and jump and climb. And today, school was "good". Not "very good" you noted, but good is still good. Life is good hon. Love, mommy

dear self,
Man! Sorry it's been so long since I've written, like maybe a decade. You are doing well, better. Your self-awareness is growing. I think you're still in that cocoon of yours, but at least you are learning what kind of butterfly you want to be. You went to a playdate today. You had a short anxiety attack beforehand; you were so nervous. I'm trying to be gentle and understanding with you and your feelings, but part of me wants you to "grow up" and "get over" all the hurt. Yes, nasty rumors were spread, but they're not supposed to hurt you, just the "sticks and stones", right? Wrong. Time will help. She always does. And more prayer. And more hugs. You got two hugs as soon as you walked in at the playgroup. That helped, bunches. You've "popped"! No one today believed you, but I took pictures to prove it. You can still do locust and boat in yoga, but not for much longer. =) You're walking now and writing and knitting. You may want to start planning your lessons. Classes start in three weeks. (Just a friendly reminder.) You need to get more sleep, but don't we all. *HUGS*